The Devil Makes Work For Idle Hands

Apparently, with only two days left here,  our short-timer has run out of things to do …

———- Begin message ———-
From: Chris McInnis <chris.mcinnis@goawaydirtbagspammers.com>
Date: Thu, Jan 21, 2010 at 8:37 AM
Subject: Cookies!
To: rtraction <theteam@isaidgoawaydirtbagspammers.com>

Please help yourself to some home-made cookies (on Noah’s desk).

Please note: While completely safe for most of you, the cookies do contain traces of a rare pharmaceutical compound, Vaxator. This compound, while completely harmless on its own, may react violently and unpredictably when taken in combination with Vaxadrin, which I have been carefully slipping into Shawn’s water over the past three weeks.

Side effects of combining the two may include any or all of the following:

  • Dry Mouth
  • Severe Weight Loss
  • Restless Leg Syndrome
  • Restless Arm Syndrome
  • Restless Torso syndrome
  • Massive weight gain
  • Phantom Hand Syndrome
  • Vivid dreams of self-cannibalism
  • Scruffula
  • Bad humors
  • Late onset albinoism
  • Spontaneous pregnancy
  • Increased risk of vampire attack
  • Hairy Uvula
  • Speaking in tongues
  • Increased appetite
  • Permanent blindness
  • Mild kidney explosions
  • Testicular cranberrying
  • Rectal hallucinations
  • Pulminary weevils
  • Brain tooth
  • Reemergence of the umbilical cord
  • Vein seizures
  • Aortal collapse
  • Monkey-lung
  • Lactose addiction
  • X-ray hearing
  • Prolonged erections, but… not where you’d hope
  • Lung-fire
  • Eye-curdling
  • Abdominal migration
  • Urethral nodding
  • Honus Wagner’s disease
  • Carcassing
  • Gopherism
  • Multi-brow
  • Tracheal meerkat colonies
  • Involuntary Narnia adventures
  • ADHDEAD
  • Testicular myopia
  • Warlock hump
  • Scrappy Doo-ism
  • Rocky Mountain oysterism
  • Grover Norquist syndrome
  • Rectal buffalo wings
  • Thoracic geysers
  • Nostril inversion
  • Inability to breathe on weekends
  • Rectal frosting
  • Arby’s Mouth
  • Tennis Scrotum
  • Pituitary ferns
  • Skeletal Xylophoning
  • Lung Teriyaki